I pray that you will through my preaching of the one True TRUTH which has been given to me by the Lord God of Abraham and Isaac and Jacob as well of course as all the writers of His Holy Bible be able to abandon your former life of prostitution and uncleanliness thereby purging your sinful vaginal trap of the stank of unrighteousness which flows from your sinful past like the sewers that empty the wicked bile from the belly of the beast of HELL onto the burning tormented heads of those who died in their sins having rejected Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior. Amen. Redeem your wicked past by converting prostitutes such as yourself to the Way and the Truth and the Life which is of course Christ Jesus by sending them to this web site to get saved. Amen!

Your attempts at flattery will get you no closer to Heaven as you are clearly under the influence of narcotics or intoxicated with alcohol or BOTH as evidenced of course by your use of casual vernacular as well as sloppy spelling. Amen. Any True Christian knows that flattery is a direct tool of the Antichrist which he loves to loan to the False Profit to deceive the feeble-minded into taking medication which will only make them stop believing that their thoughts and actions are inspired by the Lord God Jehovah (Isaiah 29:10). Amen. I can only conclude that you are clearly another homosexual child-sodomizing liberal Democrat in sheep's clothing and I have purged my e-mail inbox of your message so that your damnation does not seep out of my computer monitor into my eyes which are the window to my soul and cause me to lose my Salvation and end up in HELL where you belong but where I clearly do NOT. Amen.

Get thee behind me Satan! Amen!

You and I are in complete and total agreement in the Fact that there is nothing funny about sin or homosexuality or death or HELL and therefore I can only conclude that the crowd at About.com are dancing the devil's jig which of course means they are beyond hope and therefore predestined to splash around in their Luciferic game of homosexual Twister for all eternity in the Lake of Fire which is as hot as the Lord's wrath but unfortunately for them not hot enough to burn the sin and lust and sodomy from their doomed souls and I would furthermore like to ask YOU BJ what you were doing at About.com which is clearly Satan's abode if all they can do is take the preaching of a Messenger of God who is of course myself and categorize His Holy Message as Christian humor. Amen.

As to the harsh words on my web site which is of course God's web site I can only point out the obvious Fact which is the FACT that these admonitions are very kind in comparison to the unchristian ridicule they will hear from Satan's goblins in HELL as sizzling hot unrepentant bile from the belly of the beast is expectorated onto their sin-clogged heads. Amen.

I thank you for your prayers and I will in turn add you to my very long and growing list of nightly prayer requests. Amen. You and I are not far from each other doctrinally as like you I also do not have any Christian brothers or sisters who would call this humor. Amen.

Perhaps my intentions have been misunderstood as my wish was never to upset you vile sinners but to show you all which include of course the masses of pornography-spewing fornicating baby-killing liberal Episcopalians and Pentecostals and Sodomites that as God is my witness He sent His Son to this depraved earth to be born of a virgin so that His perfect Son could grow up and come to me in a dream and give to me the greatest job of all which is of course the job of leading these sinning masses away from the playground of Lucifer and into the Light of His Word which he has given to me to post right here and now so that all who believe and receive this one and only Truth might escape the FIRES OF EVERLASTING HELL and join me in Heaven with God and the hundreds of thousands of other Saints who like me are trying to do His will but meeting with resistance from Satan's children of wrath. Amen.

Sorry for the misunderstanding. Amen.

Neither Moses nor John nor any of the Biblical writers were surprised at how God chose to compile His Holy Word and neither should you be. God follows no plan other than His own and if that doesn't fit into your little timeline then all I can say is that maybe God will find the time in His schedule to explain it to you before he tosses your faithless behind into HELL where there will be a sorry shortage of the dear precious logic you are so fixated with unless of course you consider logic to be screaming the name of Jesus Christ in vain over and over as you BURN under a pile of the white-hot coals that are the expectoration of your master Satan's giggling belly. Amen. 

I tend to ignore this sort of offensive filth as I do not have the time between my current average of 24 incoming e-mail messages every hour around the clock and my constant exhortation to the heathen peoples of the Internet to avoid the awful FIRES of HELL by listening to me when I tell them to put an end to the abortions and homosexuality and environmentalism and embrace the Gospel of the Justice and Retribution of Jesus Christ. Amen. But my poor perverted JG I am afraid I cannot ignore this comment any longer as I have been the unwilling recipient this sort of unholy disrespect too many times. Amen. You have undoubtedly been sent by your pagan pimp Lucifer to do his bidding and that being the case I am much more content being a Butt Pirate for Jesus than Satan's little party girl which is what you will be until the day you are cast into the SIZZLING PIT when he instead makes you his roasted homosexual marshmallow. Amen.

I take it this will be the last time you try to further your Satanic agenda of humorless witticism at the expense of the dignity of God's Holy Messenger. Amen.

There is nothing in your rude unnecessary message worth responding to other than the recurring theme by yourself and Jonathan and Jim that this web site is some sort of unreasonable attempt at humor and the only thing I can state in answer to that bizarre charge is that there is nothing funny about the Fact that 99% of the world's population that has died is now roasting in the FLAMES of the wrath of the Almighty not to mention 99% of everyone who is alive now or who will ever be born. Amen.

This is the sort of sick twisted mockery which has been so widely propagated by television shows like The Simpsons and South Park and the show about Beevis and his sidekick with the name too obscene to even mention on this family web site and it is this very sort of mockery and scoffing at the Truth of the Scriptures that has caused this once-great nation of ours to fall into the depths of depravity and lawlessness. Amen.

I hope you're proud of yourself Nathan whose name almost rhymes with SATAN although I am actually being sarcastic and do not AT ALL hope you are happy as that sort of glee at trying to mock the One True Messenger of the Lord God Jehovah who is of course myself will not seem so funny when you are standing before Jesus as He sits at the right hand of God the Father and looks into the Lamb's Book of Life only to find that your name is not there and has never been there because you were too busy yukking it up with Bart and Cartman and the rest of the animated unbelievers to obey my instructions to get saved today although I think at that point you are truly going to wish you were one of them since cartoon characters will not be burning in HELL but YOU WILL unless you go pray the sinner's prayer at

http://777.nventure.com/sinnersprayer.htm. Amen.

I hope this is the last time I have to answer this question as I will have no choice but to move it into the category of my Frequently Asked Questions page if such nonsense continues. Amen.

Your search for even more pornography than you have already polluted your soul with will not be aided by myself nor any of my staff as my purpose in visiting that pornographic message board was to spread the Gospel of Christ Jesus to those vile sinners but certainly not to bring even more unregenerates into that ungodly fold. Amen.

As for your offer to help me deliver my Message of Salvation which is of course God's Message I cannot stress enough that it is not possible for a mere mortal to "change the heathen" as you have called it as that is clearly the work of the Holy Ghost through myself who is the One True Messenger of God since my anointing on December 25 1999 to preach the Gospel in season and out of season until the whole world accepts Jesus Christ or He returns to this cursed earth to finish it off whichever He in His infinite unbridled wisdom decides. Amen.

I understand your interest in joining the one and only True Christian denomination which is that of the Duck River Association of Baptist Churches which originated in 1825 from a protest movement within the old Elk River Association of Baptist churches and I wish very much that I could assist you in this area especially since our membership is so quickly dwindling as former believers are enticed by the films and music and literature of their Satanic master but Orenthal my grinning ebony pile of hope I can only answer that request with the unwavering Truth that we at the Duck River Association of Baptist Churches cannot allow unbelievers nor imposter-Christians nor infidels nor homosexuals nor pedophiles nor liberals into our midst although it would be interesting to have at least one black member in our congregation as our music program leaves much to be desired since the passing of Sister Lucretia so my best advice to you is as usual to go get saved ON THE DOUBLE boy at

http://777.nventure.com/sinnersprayer.htm. Amen.

Then we can talk further once you're a True Christian. Amen.

Perhaps there has been a slight misunderstanding. Amen.

Perhaps you were under the impression that the Lord turned the care of His message over to me because I had nothing better to do but answer the same questions over and over and over for the titillation of sarcastic HELLBOUND reprobates who apparently think their time is better spent harassing a True Messenger of God than repenting of their sin and lawlessness before it is TOO LATE!!! which of course they will never do as they were conceived in unrighteousness and are therefore without shame or conscience. Amen.

Once more for those of you in the little bus who are having trouble concentrating: When Jesus Christ ascended into Heaven in the year 0 A.D. which means After Death (Acts 1:9) his disciples became apostles and wrote the King James version of the New Testament which was of course because the Old Testament was already written in the King James vernacular and almost all Christians were killed by the Jews then the Romans then the Catholic Church which is why God has judged each of those groups by allowing them to fall into practices which have resulted in AIDS and intravenous drug use. Amen. The only true Christians hid Bibles and prayed to the true God while the rest of the so-called Christians wallowed in debauchery until true Christianity was legalized with the formation of the Duck River Association of Baptist Churches which originated in 1825 from a protest movement within the old Elk River Association of Baptist churches which was not in communion with God's Word as clearly stated in His Holy Bible and therefore in an unrepentant state of APOSTASY. Amen. All others have gone to HELL and are still there as HELL is eternal "where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched" (Mark 9:44). Amen.

Regarding however your mention of what you perceive to be my intolerance and separatism and fascism I must admit that the Lord has recently been speaking to my heart about being overly rigid and legalistic. Amen. The Gospel of Jesus Christ should instead be centered around the love He has for us sinners whom He cares about so much that He made Himself a sacrifice for all who would believe and receive so that he will not be forced to smack every one of us down into the sizzling hot grease pit of eternal HELL where sinners like you belong for boasting about how you like to hang with Satan as well as for mocking the Lord and His messenger who is of course myself. Amen.

As to your criticism of my web design skills I can only apologize as the staff of this web site is on a very tight budget and forced to refuse donations and to finance this mission from within and the reason for that is the superfluity of other so-called ministries which have become corrupted by an excess of offerings sent by a well-meaning but grossly misled following. Amen. Please do not send e-mails asking for our postal address so that you might send love offerings to this ministry but instead place them in your church's offering basket next Sunday morning unless of course you do not attend church in which case you might as well spend the money on intoxicants to help you forget that you are on a one-way trip to the bottomless pit of HELL! Amen!

Thank you for your concern. Amen.

Text Matrix,

If you suspect that I spend much of my time answering the same questions over and over for you people then by all means bring on the plea agreement and the electronic home monitoring and the anger management classes because I am clearly GUILTY AS CHARGED. Amen.

However if you could just find it in your lust-clogged heart to spare me even one iota of grief and scroll this page upwards just two posts you will find the answer to your carnally-motivated question right in front of your face. Amen.

But if your habitual lifestyle of depravity and substance abuse has caused you to lack the motor skills necessary for even that simple task I will paste the answer I already provided which you apparently chose to ignore. Amen.

"Your search for even more pornography than you have already polluted your soul with will not be aided by myself nor any of my staff as my purpose in visiting that pornographic message board was to spread the Gospel of Christ Jesus to those vile sinners but certainly not to bring even more unregenerates into that ungodly fold. Amen."

If you are truly that obsessed with pornography and masturbation my best suggestion is for you to arrange counseling with your pastor or better yet blow the dust off your Bible and immerse yourself in God's Word. Amen.

It seems I have had the luxury of needing only to cut and paste my replies to these most recent e-mails and yours is no exception. Amen.

From the front page of this web site which is of course god's web site: "Before you send me an e-mail please read my FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS page because so many people ask me so many of the same questions over and over that they try the patience given to me by God which He says will bless me and keep me through times of trouble and through the wicked attacks and lies hurled upon me by the pagan HELLBOUND who seek to ridicule my faith and perseverance. Amen."

To give you the benefit of the doubt I will assume that you are new to the Internet and will explain for you exactly what a "frequently asked questions" page is. Amen. This page which is also referred to as a FAQ is posted for the sole purpose of eliminating the need to answer the same questions for each and every person who sends an e-mail. Amen.

Assuming you would like an answer to your questions about the King James Version of the Holy Bible (which I am sure you do not as you clearly have your tiny sin-clogged mind made up) I would like to invite you to read FAQ 5 and find out for yourself the truth of God's Holy Word.

But if you need further instruction in this matter I would like to invite you to visit the following web sites:

www.staggs.pair.com/kjbp

www.biblelife.org/word.htm

www.av1611.org/biblecom.html

www.biblebelievers.com/Grady/Final_Authority.html

But I would recommend you do not throw away your new age Bible per-versions as the pages will be very useful in cleaning up after your homosexual masturbation orgies once you have given up your deviant lifestyle and embraced 1611 KJV Christianity. Amen!

It is of course no surprise to me that someone who bashes the King James Version of the Holy Bible would also advocate such sins of the flesh as masturbation and homosexuality as the purpose of the modern so-called translations is to dilute the Lord's message. Amen.

If you truly want to know where the Lord decrees that sex with one's own gender or at one's own hands is wrong and are not merely being sarcastic I would invite you to simply dip a copy of the 1611 King James Bible in a vat of yellow ink and then read the highlighted parts for edification in that matter as that doctrine is expounded upon in great detail throughout the Scriptures. Amen.

You sound like a great guy! Amen!

You do however seem to be a little soft on sin which God's Word compares to dog vomit (Proverbs 26:11). Amen. I am sorry if my hard line against sin offends you but if you read the Gospels in their entirety and not just the warm and fuzzy parts you will see that Jesus Christ had an even lower tolerance for unrepentant sinners than I do. Amen.

Jesus only saved those who repented of their unrighteousness and Dan I would like to ask you now if you would tolerate homosexual members in your own congregation who had not repented of their sinful lifestyles but were instead continuing to sodomize each other and standing up during your Wednesday evening prayer services to praise the Lord for how He loves them and has therefore accepted their lifestyle as "normal". Amen.

You seem to think I am responsible for the Matthew Shepard memorial page but I simply linked to it from godhatesfags.com. Amen. The misconception that God "loves everyone" is addressed at that web site by Fred Phelps, pastor of Westboro Baptist Church:

As much as the world appreciates your marshmallow brand of Christianity it is much more important to preach the true Gospel than it is to find favor with the unsaved so Dan I think it is time for you to choose your master and then follow Him. Amen!

In answer to your question about my conversion to Christianity I too was raised in a Christian home and accepted Jesus as my Savior when I was a child at a Bill Gaither Trio concert held at Tennessee Temple University. Amen.

The seventh chapter of Matthew is truly a Scriptural gem. Amen!

However as everyone who invests more than a perfunctory interest in the Word of God knows text taken out of context is pretext and therefore we must strive to be diligent in always asking ourselves how a given passage relates to the entire Bible and not merely to one's own carnal agenda. Amen.

The Gospel according to Matthew although clearly written after the resurrection of Jesus Christ is of course a history of the events before His crucifixion and therefore that book although a member of the New Testament canon is in fact doctrinally a part of the Old Testament Dispensation of Law and as such the Sermon on the Mount applies not to contemporary Christian Gentiles but to the nation of Israel which was still suffering under the works as well as the rituals and sacrifices of the law. Amen.

These words of Christ were intended as a reproof to the scribes and Pharisees who were very rigid and severe in condemning all about them as those commonly are that are proud and conceited in justifying themselves. Amen! These men in their anticipation of the coming Messiah were seeking not salvation from the fires of HELL but political independence and material blessings. Amen. But of course these first-century Jews were self-deluded concerning the long term mission of our Savior which was to die on the cross as their final sacrifice and that is why they killed him. Amen. They in their selfish prideful hearts were seeking a King rather than a sacrificial Lamb but it seems they were just a little too impatient. Amen.

The message of Christ's Sermon on the Mount is entirely prophetic and will not be fulfilled until His second coming which is not to be confused with the rapture referred to in I Thessalonians 4:13-18 but will instead take place after the rapture and the seven year siege of the Antichrist but before the thousand year earthly reign of Jesus. Amen.

Therefore it is simply not good Biblical hermeneutics to use this passage to justify sodomy and substance abuse and witchcraft and environmentalism and other such sins of the flesh which is how Matthew 7 is commonly misused. Amen!

If you don't mind I would like to incorporate your fine testimonial into my campaign platform as my staff and I have been wondering what we would do after my election with the millions of HELLBOUND homosexual non-KJV reading liberal wussies that infect this once great country of ours and this might just be the solution we have been looking for. Amen.

I do not know precisely which e-mail you are referring to as I do not recall receiving one from "social_infestation" but I assure you that we have never and have no intention of ever using any contributor's e-mail address for any purpose and that myself as well as my staff are scrupulous about obeying the law in accordance with Romans 13:1. Amen.

I understand your concern and I appreciate your warning but you have nothing to be concerned about from us regarding your e-mail address as our only agenda is to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Amen.

However I would counsel you that by its very nature sending an e-mail makes visible to the recipient your e-mail address and judging by this message I suggest you might be a little too skittish for this medium of communication. Amen.

If anything is impressive it is the fact that I have to keep repeating this over and over so once more for those of you who have yet to graduate from detox: This never ending river of the sewage of sarcasm and acerbity which flows so freely from your sin-slathered front orifice may seem like a lot of fun now but when you are standing naked before the judgment throne of Christ with nothing to cover you but your vile stanky iniquities you may begin to question the wisdom of mocking a True Messenger of God who is of course myself. Amen!

At that point while I am being led into Heaven as my name will have been found written in the Lamb's Book of Life and I look over my shoulder to see you being plucked from the sight of God and tossed into GEHENNA I shall do my best not to gloat. Amen.

While you may have pointed out a few of the less glamorous aspects of walking with Christ I still contend it is better than spending eternity in HELL. Amen.